My Love Life...or Lack There Of

I have noticed lately that I have been giving a good friend of mine relationship advice on almost a daily basis.  Anything from how to handle emotions after a first date to how to take charge and ask a guy out.  However, its seems a little silly that I am the one giving relationship advice.  Those who know me have seen my ups and downs and lack there of with men.  I have had three runs with men, none of which I want to brag about, and plenty of reasons to kick all men to the curb forever.  I can count the total amount of dates I have ever been on, on one hand, so how does that make me qualified to give relationship advice? Do you need to be loved to give advice to others? Or can you be qualified on your ability to love others?   

My first boyfriend, lets call him M, was in love with me since 9th grade.  It took me a few years to notice him more than a friend, and right before our senior year of high school we went on our first date.  During our year of togetherness he taught me how to change a tire, detail a car, and hide a ding I had put in my mother's van. After a long week at school we would drive out to a field and lay on a blanket looking at the stars.  He was slowly becoming my Romeo. However, during high school I ran into a bump in the road with girls who I had thought were my friends.  Emotionally I was a wreck for the better half of my senior year.  FYI: High School Girls can be nasty and I later learned would do anything to take your happiness away.  When I finally began to realize M was the best thing that would ever cross my way, it was too late. He had chased me for so long and by the time I came around to the idea of letting him in and returning the feelings back, the evil high school girls had pulled him under their wing and brought him to the dark side.  I know now, that even if we would have stayed together,  we would have never made it past one semester of college.  We were complete opposites of each other.  He was getting closer to a crowd of people who had betrayed me for many years, and I was beginning to find out college would be a good way for me to start over with new friends. (Let me just point out, even though high school has some awful memories for me, I did leave with a solid core group of friends who I will also stay close with).  M married a few years ago to a girl who wanted a boob job instead of a wedding reception (who doesn't want a wedding reception?) and although i regret not appreciating the things he did for me more, I also am thankful that we have lived separate lives.  




A few years after M  and I broke up I found myself focusing more on my studies, partying and part-time job.  However, out of the blue one day I ran into C.  He was the class clown, everyone's best friend, and my co-worker.  For years we had opposite schedules which prevented us from ever meeting in person at our work meetings, until that fateful day right before our senior year.  I found myself laughing with him in the student center as I sipped on a strawberry smoothie.  Something about this boy was different.  He wasn't out to impress anyone by the way he dressed, and he certainly didn't care what other people thought of him.  However, deep down it seemed like there was something special about him.  Drunk, on my 21st birthday, I found myself at a party with C.  When I bumped into him on my way to the bathroom he told me I was the prettiest girl at the party.  We spend weeks together studying for classes together and flirting at work. 


One night as I sat on my front porch with my friends, a truck drove past our house and in the bed of the truck was C.  As if it was out of a movie, he quickly patted on the top of the truck to signal to his friends he was bailing on them.  He jumped out the back running toward my house smiling at me as I sipped on my wine. It was that moment I knew this boy would quickly have my heart.    In early October, he confessed to me that despite our moments together he had been dating someone else.  I couldn't understand how that was possible.  We spent every moment together.  How could he possibly have someone else in his life.  


After a few days, he convinced me things were over with the two of them.  He had ended things the moment he realized he had feelings for me.  Although, we did most things together, something in the back of my mind always made me feel like I wasn't the only girl in his life.  Although his family loved me, his frat couldn't get enough of me, and his friends told me I was the best thing to happen to him, something was off on his end.  It was evident I was in love.  He seemed like my forever.  We had only been dating a few months but something about this cowboy had me wrapped around his finger.  After spending New Years Eve together, at his parents house, and falling asleep together in front of the fire place I was beginning to realize I had nothing to worry about.  I was actually beginning to see a future together for the two of us.  I had let my guard down and began to fall hard for him. That all changed a week later when we returned back at school.  When he didn't stop by my apartment after returning in town from break I knew something was wrong.  He came over eventually and after two hours of watching TV he out of no where told me he had to end things.  I was crushed and heart broken. Where was this coming from? He left my room shortly after and I cried for hours, later washing away the tears with a few glasses of vodka at the local pub.  


Months passed and all signs led me to believe he had returned back to his ex.  Or hadn't they ever really ended things? Years when by and we stayed connected through email and texts.  During the first year of our breakup I booked a flight to Wyoming (all of my savings) just to visit him.  I even pathetically threw a surprise birthday party with his family for him a few years ago, just a friendly gesture.  To this day we are still friends. 

My most recent relationship started a few years ago with B. It had been years since I had felt something for a guy more than just as a friend and B was something completely different than I had ever been attracted to.  I had no idea in the beginning that B would change me and my life forever, not in a good way.  I still don't like talking about what he put me through and how he changed the way I look at men now.  I lost a huge part of myself during this relationship and after years of emotional struggle I am trying to rebuild myself back after B broke me down.  The relationship between us has been over for quite sometime, but it will be a while until I fill the emptiness he left in me.


The other day something possessed me to ask C he had every cheated on my so many years before.  Instead of an instant NO, he replied that he had never had sex with anyone but that he had been seeing her while we were dating.  I was crushed.  During college I thought he was the one, however, little did I know he was in love with another. 


After three rocky relationships, I realized two of them were shams, and may not have been relationships at all.  Does not knowing how to even hold a real relationship myself qualify me to tell others how to love and be loved? I feel comfortable giving advice to my friend when she is seeking an answer to her male problems, however, when I look at my own life I am not even sure I know what love means anymore in my life. What qualifies us to give others advice on their own love lives when we can't even find love for ourselves?