It's About Men, Women, Sex, No Sex, Friendship...

I recently caved after a few years without movies by mail, and decided to sign up for Netflix.  There have been so many nights that I wanted to watch an older movie, or catch up on a season of the latest TV show, but I have been trapped by what Redbox has to offer that week.  So, I finally did it.  I caved and purchased Netflix instant streaming.

It took me a whole 30 minutes to figure out how to set up a Playstation 3 so that I could finish watching The Walking Dead (which I quickly became obsessed with) but it was well worth it.  Netflix has opened my world up to a number of movies I never even heard of.  Including one great 80s hit called "About Last Night" Although Demi Moore looks like she is 21 and Rob Lowe has long hair, the movie brings up so many relative conversations about relationships, friendships, and everything in between.

It crazy to see how close to comes to actual relationships and the fear of commitment, the craziness of women, how we over react, are afraid to react, hide our emotions, show our emotions.  Although stressful to watch at times, it reminds me of so many things I have feared, thought about, or even did at one point in a relationship.  If you are a single lady and looking for a movie to remind you about the ups and downs of relationships I highly recommend adding it to your instant queue.

Gone are the days of running to the local Blockbuster to pick a movie off the shelves.  Now-a-days if you aren't Netflixing you aren't seeing what you are missing in the movie world.

5 things to do before marriage

It seems like every time I turn on the TV or get my mail I am learning about another upcoming marriage. I figured although I am not within a 6 or even 12 month range of getting married, its always good to get marriage and dating advice from friends who have done it already. 


One of my best friends, who has not been married for two years, offered a piece of advice for me (obviously for the future).  She says that in order to test if someone is marriage material and if you are both ready for marriage you must go through 5 things together as a couple. 

1. You must go through one or both of you being really sick: And by this she doesn't mean allergies or a cold.  You must experience that kind of sickness where you hide from the world because your bedroom is overflowing with used kleenexs, you are running toward the bathroom to spill your guts from the last meal, almost heading to the hospital sort of sick.  

2. You must have one really big fight: Arguing over which TV show to watch does not count.  This fight has to be really big, like doors slamming, voices raised, maybe even something plastic being thrown at the ground, followed by either a few days of silence and a make up or just immediate passionate sex!

3. Two words...ROAD TRIP:  Driving to a football game and being stuck in rush hour traffic doesn't count.  Yes, it will show you a lot about patience during a stressful situation, but to really test your love and communication, the two should take a real Road Trip.  Pack up the car, either staying in a tent or cheap hotels along the way, load up the ipod with great tunes (that you will both love...hey he might love the Spice Girls) and take an adventure together.  Whether it be a weekend, a week or a month...just take the trip together.


4. Share a bedroom together for 1 week: I am not necessarily condoning premartial sex, nor am I saying that you should be a prude, but living with someone in the same room for one week is a great amount of time to learn about each other.  From each other's toilet ettiquette to bedroom behavior you will see a snippet of your future with this partner.  Sharing the bed for one night can be misleading, which is why the week long vacation together is mandatory. I still laugh when my girlfriends tell me about their husbands blowing their noses in the shower or leaving boogers and nail clippings by the bed.  Boys will be boys. 

5. Spending the holidays with the future in-laws: Why wait for all of the family fun after the wedding.  Learning about your in-laws and future family quarks before the wedding is crucial.  Its good to know what you are getting yourself into, not just with him, but with his family.  


I am sure there are many more things you can think of that would be wise for a couple to do before walking down the aisle.  What would you say are things a couple should go through before tying the knot?

August: Happiness Project Update

This month of the happiness project, my primary focus was to spend more time with friends.  It was the perfect month to try this because at the start of the month my days were pretty full with socializing with friends anyway.


  

This was me exploring Buzz Bakery in my
neighborhood with two college friends

There were good and bad things about this month's project.  The good was I was able to maximum my time with friends.  I learned that I need to listen more, and talk less. Too many times I get distracted by technology or my surroundings and I find myself drifting the focus away from the person I am with. After this month, I realized one the biggest changes I need to work on to become happier is focusing less on whats around me and what else is going on and more time focusing on the friend I am with. 

  NYC Trip with some of my college roommates 

turned out to be a weekend of
laughter, healing, sharing, and loving. 

The bad part of the month was a small hiccup I ran into with one of my close friends.  During a vulnerable moment on Saturday evening,  I let my guard down and told a close friend about my horrible relationship with B.  Only a very few people know about him and the horrible struggle I have had after our emotionally destructive relationship.  Unfortunately, my friend was not as understanding as I had hoped and did not take the story well.    I have always feared this would be people's reaction.  This fear is one reason I keep this secret buried deep inside. It would be a lie to say that his reaction didn't affect me.  I was crushed to see how he took the story and how quickly he threw anger back at me. The hardest part is knowing I can't take back what I said, I can't take back my past, and I can only hope that eventually this friend will understand me and the experience I went through.  


This month's Happiness Project forced me to think a lot about the friendships I currently have, how friendships are built, and how to keep a friendship. 


I realized at the end of this month that friendships are built upon a lot of things.  Trust, understanding, loving, honesty, and communication.  


I also learned a lot about myself as a friend to others.  I know now what I need to work on personally over the next few months (and years) on becoming a better friend to those who are special to me in my life.


Over the last three years I have learned a lot about forgiveness and accepting. I realized this month I am truly blessed with amazing friends, however, a part of me is still hurt by what happened with the one friend and I can only hope that I can change who I am, in becoming a better person, to show them the real me. 

Spring Cleaning

This weekend I was caught off guard by running into an ex.  I have tried to keep my distance from him after our breakup because of all of the pain that came with that negative relationship.  After seeing him I again put my wall up and became bitter.  To clean out my mind I decided today would be dedicated to spring cleaning...a mental detox.

Pillow Talk

First up was my bed.  I figured the best way to start FRESH for May was to get rid of my old sheets and pillows and start new on my bed.  I absolutely love my comforter so I just chose sheets to match instead of getting rid of the comforter as well.  Can you believe I had the same body pillow since college. YUCK!! Bye, bye, body pillow, and hello new sheets! I can't wait to sleep in them tonight

Primping

I decided that my bitter and bad attitude had to go.  Running into the ex was emotionally draining to me and I decided I needed a few minutes just to myself.  I went to get a pedicure and my eyebrows waxed.  It felt amazing and it was exactly what I needed to start fresh for the new month.  

Window Washer

I am not even sure the last time I windex my windows.  Although I feel like a 45 year old pulling out the screens and cleaning the actual windows, it helped to bring in fresh light into my room, something much needed for May. 

Three loads of laundry later, $80 spent at target on beauty and household products, and 1 clean bedroom later, I feel alot better about my attitude. If only now I could take back all of the negative things I may have said this weekend in anger.  OOPs, sorry friends..

The Sleepover

Its been a while since my last sleepover.  I've been lacking a lot in the love and dating world, and although I hope to change that soon, for the time being I been living vicariously through my friend's dating life.  Recently her story of sleepless nights has reminded me of the good and bad sleepovers from the past.  So many things can go wrong when having a coed sleepover.  You meet a boy, things are going well, you exchange a few kisses, maybe after a few cocktails the hormones start raging, and then comes the moment you decide whether or not you will be uttering the words "My place or yours?"

All is well in the next half hour (given that he can pull through on his end), and then comes the actual sleeping part.  Of course in our minds we want it to work out just perfectly, where we are wrapped in each other's arms, him the big spoon and you the little, as you slowly drift off to sleep. But lets face it, not every sleepover mimics the movies.  His arm under your head is sweet at first, but then as your neck starts hurting from the bony arm underneath you, you'll do anything to slide to the edge of the bed escaping his wrath. 

And then the snoring starts.  At first his light breathing is peaceful and relaxing, until his nasal passages seem to burst open and what sounds like a locomotive is driving through your bed takes off. You try to go back to sleep, hoping the late night cocktails are still running through your blood allowing you to doze of quickly, but its not always the case.  His attempt to pull you closer and be your cuddle buddy is preventing you from falling into your REM sleep.  When you finally doze off for what seems like only a mere 5 minutes its morning and you are woken up exhausted and being poked by more than just his arm under the sheets. 


No, not every sleepover is as painful as the one above.  Once in a while you find that perfect cuddle buddy.  The one you can't seem to fall asleep without anymore.  You are like one in the bed together with just enough cuddle time and just enough sleep time.  But how come every bed buddy isn't like that? 

Can a relationship turn sour just from the sleeping, or lack their of? 

Although a relationship should not be defined by your sleeping habits, it can make the happy sleepovers go from good to bad immediately.  

You want the man to be the perfect addition not the reason you toss and turn all night.  Are the perfect cuddle buddies still out there? Or are they all snatched up by the other hungry women in this world? While writing this post I was reminded of my favorite cuddle buddy and unfortunately reminded of my worst.  Neither worked out, but thankfully I had more time with the good one than the bad.

My Love Life...or Lack There Of

I have noticed lately that I have been giving a good friend of mine relationship advice on almost a daily basis.  Anything from how to handle emotions after a first date to how to take charge and ask a guy out.  However, its seems a little silly that I am the one giving relationship advice.  Those who know me have seen my ups and downs and lack there of with men.  I have had three runs with men, none of which I want to brag about, and plenty of reasons to kick all men to the curb forever.  I can count the total amount of dates I have ever been on, on one hand, so how does that make me qualified to give relationship advice? Do you need to be loved to give advice to others? Or can you be qualified on your ability to love others?   

My first boyfriend, lets call him M, was in love with me since 9th grade.  It took me a few years to notice him more than a friend, and right before our senior year of high school we went on our first date.  During our year of togetherness he taught me how to change a tire, detail a car, and hide a ding I had put in my mother's van. After a long week at school we would drive out to a field and lay on a blanket looking at the stars.  He was slowly becoming my Romeo. However, during high school I ran into a bump in the road with girls who I had thought were my friends.  Emotionally I was a wreck for the better half of my senior year.  FYI: High School Girls can be nasty and I later learned would do anything to take your happiness away.  When I finally began to realize M was the best thing that would ever cross my way, it was too late. He had chased me for so long and by the time I came around to the idea of letting him in and returning the feelings back, the evil high school girls had pulled him under their wing and brought him to the dark side.  I know now, that even if we would have stayed together,  we would have never made it past one semester of college.  We were complete opposites of each other.  He was getting closer to a crowd of people who had betrayed me for many years, and I was beginning to find out college would be a good way for me to start over with new friends. (Let me just point out, even though high school has some awful memories for me, I did leave with a solid core group of friends who I will also stay close with).  M married a few years ago to a girl who wanted a boob job instead of a wedding reception (who doesn't want a wedding reception?) and although i regret not appreciating the things he did for me more, I also am thankful that we have lived separate lives.  




A few years after M  and I broke up I found myself focusing more on my studies, partying and part-time job.  However, out of the blue one day I ran into C.  He was the class clown, everyone's best friend, and my co-worker.  For years we had opposite schedules which prevented us from ever meeting in person at our work meetings, until that fateful day right before our senior year.  I found myself laughing with him in the student center as I sipped on a strawberry smoothie.  Something about this boy was different.  He wasn't out to impress anyone by the way he dressed, and he certainly didn't care what other people thought of him.  However, deep down it seemed like there was something special about him.  Drunk, on my 21st birthday, I found myself at a party with C.  When I bumped into him on my way to the bathroom he told me I was the prettiest girl at the party.  We spend weeks together studying for classes together and flirting at work. 


One night as I sat on my front porch with my friends, a truck drove past our house and in the bed of the truck was C.  As if it was out of a movie, he quickly patted on the top of the truck to signal to his friends he was bailing on them.  He jumped out the back running toward my house smiling at me as I sipped on my wine. It was that moment I knew this boy would quickly have my heart.    In early October, he confessed to me that despite our moments together he had been dating someone else.  I couldn't understand how that was possible.  We spent every moment together.  How could he possibly have someone else in his life.  


After a few days, he convinced me things were over with the two of them.  He had ended things the moment he realized he had feelings for me.  Although, we did most things together, something in the back of my mind always made me feel like I wasn't the only girl in his life.  Although his family loved me, his frat couldn't get enough of me, and his friends told me I was the best thing to happen to him, something was off on his end.  It was evident I was in love.  He seemed like my forever.  We had only been dating a few months but something about this cowboy had me wrapped around his finger.  After spending New Years Eve together, at his parents house, and falling asleep together in front of the fire place I was beginning to realize I had nothing to worry about.  I was actually beginning to see a future together for the two of us.  I had let my guard down and began to fall hard for him. That all changed a week later when we returned back at school.  When he didn't stop by my apartment after returning in town from break I knew something was wrong.  He came over eventually and after two hours of watching TV he out of no where told me he had to end things.  I was crushed and heart broken. Where was this coming from? He left my room shortly after and I cried for hours, later washing away the tears with a few glasses of vodka at the local pub.  


Months passed and all signs led me to believe he had returned back to his ex.  Or hadn't they ever really ended things? Years when by and we stayed connected through email and texts.  During the first year of our breakup I booked a flight to Wyoming (all of my savings) just to visit him.  I even pathetically threw a surprise birthday party with his family for him a few years ago, just a friendly gesture.  To this day we are still friends. 

My most recent relationship started a few years ago with B. It had been years since I had felt something for a guy more than just as a friend and B was something completely different than I had ever been attracted to.  I had no idea in the beginning that B would change me and my life forever, not in a good way.  I still don't like talking about what he put me through and how he changed the way I look at men now.  I lost a huge part of myself during this relationship and after years of emotional struggle I am trying to rebuild myself back after B broke me down.  The relationship between us has been over for quite sometime, but it will be a while until I fill the emptiness he left in me.


The other day something possessed me to ask C he had every cheated on my so many years before.  Instead of an instant NO, he replied that he had never had sex with anyone but that he had been seeing her while we were dating.  I was crushed.  During college I thought he was the one, however, little did I know he was in love with another. 


After three rocky relationships, I realized two of them were shams, and may not have been relationships at all.  Does not knowing how to even hold a real relationship myself qualify me to tell others how to love and be loved? I feel comfortable giving advice to my friend when she is seeking an answer to her male problems, however, when I look at my own life I am not even sure I know what love means anymore in my life. What qualifies us to give others advice on their own love lives when we can't even find love for ourselves?